October 17, 2005You know you’re a sailor when…
Sea stories. Cruise books. Exotic ports of call.
FOD walks. 1MCs. Hurry up and wait.
You know you’re a sailor if those words conjure up some memories.
On the occasion of the Navy’s 230th birthday, Navy Times asked readers to tell us just what it means to be a real sailor. Hundreds of you were happy to sound off, firing broadside after broadside deep into the heart and culture of the world’s best damn canoe club.
As you’ll see on the following pages, the responses were overwhelmingly lighthearted and funny. Salty sailors, it seems, don’t take themselves too seriously. That being the case, we asked our own haze-gray cartoonist, Broadside creator Jeff Bacon, to illustrate a few of the funnier submissions.
What results, we hope, is a collection of nuggets that will make you smile. You certainly deserve that.
Happy birthday, shipmates!
Cmdr. Bruce J. Herman (ret.)
Gulf Breeze, Fla.
• Your blood test shows you have salt water in your veins.
• You continue to fold your skivvies as you were instructed in boot camp.
• You have a Bluejacket’s Manual on the shelf of your personal library.
YNC Jose Jaramillo (ret.)
Corpus Christi, Texas
• You tell the waitress at Denny’s you’ll have the s--- on a shingle.
• You also ask for the speed line.
MA1 Harvey Mason
Honolulu
• You’re haze gray and underway.
ADC(AW) J.F. Bess
Patuxent River, Md.
• You don’t know how to tell civilian time.
• The ships you served on are now war memorials or tourist attractions.
• You have pictures of ships in your wallet.
• The only pens you own have “Property U.S. Government” printed on them.
• You can name at least 15 bars in Hong Kong but know that the best bars are across the bay in Kowloon.
Charles Mason
Cypress, Calif.
• You have a pool party and nobody believes you can float with dungarees, so you put on a pair and demonstrate.
MMCS(SS) David W. Transou (ret.)
Seabrook, Texas
• You end every sentence with “aye.”
AT2(AW) Gregory Groff
Oak Harbor, Wash.
• You put hot sauce on everything you eat, whether it needs it or not.
Cmdr. Thomas McMurdy
Camp Smith, Hawaii
• You carry your house and car keys on a key ring hooked to a belt loop on your blue jeans.
YN1 Neil O. Face (ret.)
Charlotte, Mich.
• You go out for breakfast on Saturday morning and order beans and cornbread.
Lt. Johnny McCormick
Eureka, Calif.
• Your children tell you to “make a hole” as they tear through the house.
• You call your wife a sonar tech or water buffalo for taking too long in the shower.
• You call your rack a coffin.
• You can call your profession a canoe club.
• You refer to fibrous foods as “colon blow.”
BM1 Gregory Hausler (ret.)
Tawas City, Mich.
• They wake you out of a sound sleep to help look for some guy named “Oscar.”
• You give directions like: Take the ladder by the MAA’s office down to the second deck head aft to frame 134 and go through the deck scuttle. DC central is at the bottom of the ladder.
IT1(AW) Monte Johnson
London
• You can swear for five minutes straight without repeating yourself.
Lt. j.g. Mary C. Decker
Spokane, Wash.
• You refer to your family as your “boat crew.”
Capt. Tom Swartz (ret.)
San Francisco
• You get up at 2340, drink a cold cup of old coffee, put on your PJs, grab your binoculars, go out on the porch and count cars for four hours.
• You still roll your socks and hospital-corner your sheets.
BTCM Richard Phillips (ret.)
Naples, Idaho
• You fill your pool at home with salt water.
• You put out a plan of the day at home.
• You pack a seabag instead of a suitcase for a family vacation.
Eldon Chittenden
Indianola, Iowa
• You paint your vehicle haze gray and your car reads “Haze Gray and Underway.”
MAC(SW/AW) Michael L. Mathis
Portsmouth, Va.
• You have tattoos for every port you’ve visited and cruise you went on, and when you tell the story of how you got it, it begins with “Well, we started drinking at this bar and ...”
ETCS Allen Wegner (ret.)
Memphis, Tenn.
• You make your family qualify to operate each appliance in the house — dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.
• You raised the thresholds and lowered the headers of your front and back doors so you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
• You sleep on a shelf in your closet and replaced the door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about three hours after you go to sleep, shine a light in your eyes, and say, “Sorry, wrong rack.”
• You make coffee using 18 scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for five hours before drinking.
• You bring your lawn mower into the living room and run it all day long.
AWC Charlie Dempewolf (ret.)
Le Center, Minn.
• You buy a Dumpster, paint it gray, and live in it for six months.
• You run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls and label all the piping so you can identify what you just hit your head on.
• Every couple of weeks, you dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
• You perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower.
• You raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling.
• You sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere to ensure that your engine is properly “lit off.”
• You periodically shut off power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting “fire, fire, fire” and “restore power.”
• Every so often, you throw the cat in the pool and shout “man overboard, starboard side,” then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pans and dishes off the counter, and yell at the wife and kids for not “securing for sea.”
• You stand at the end of your walkway behind a podium with a stick, when your little sister’s friends come over, and ask to see their driver’s licenses. Harass those who can’t produce a valid ID, but let them by anyway.
• You tag out your lamp to change the light bulb.
• You draw and test a daily lube oil sample from your car.
• You yell “attention on deck” every time your wife enters the room you are in.
JOC(SW) Luis M. Luque
Annapolis, Md.
• You have fire drills at 3 a.m. in your home and you live alone!
• Your kindergartener asks her teacher if she can “go to the head.”
• Your kids ask for an advance on their allowance and you tell them to “run a chit through their chain of command.”
• Most of your vocabulary consists of abbreviations and acronyms.
• Friends and family have to request permission to come aboard when they enter your living room.
• You’re assigned to Hawaii, but own vacation homes in San Diego, Norfolk and Naples, Italy.
FTMC Charles Glaser (ret.)
Havana, Ill.
• You’ve been to Hong Kong and purchased a set of tailor-made gabardine dress blues, bell-bottom, 13-button, silk-lined trousers, and a jumper with left-side zipper and dragons inside the cuffs and dragons and lions on the silk lining.
YN2 Claudia Garbiso
Naval Air Station North Island, Calif.
• You call out “swabbie” when your kids spill something on the deck.
Lt. Cmdr. James Bruske
Norfolk, Va.
• Your kids can identify the smell of diesel engine exhaust a mile away.
• Your wife asks you what you would like with your dinner and you reply white rice and brown gravy.
Cmdr. Charles C. Lewis (ret.)
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.
• You start comparing the creamed chipped beef served in the chow hall to the commercial brands sold in the frozen foods section of the commissary.
Former ATN3 Bill Meder
O’Fallon, Mo.
• You can clear 13 buttons before your wife has her shoes off.
QMCM Albert N. Crawford (ret.)
Coraopolis, Pa.
• They refuse you as a blood donor because of the high salt content.
Ed Hanemann
Colorado Springs, Colo.
• Both your e-mail address and license plate begin with “IM4NAVY.”
AMS1 Richard D. Castillo (ret.)
Pittsburg, Calif.
• Your wife introduces you as her shipmate.
• Your family refers to the “plan of the day” on the fridge.
• Your kids ask if they have to hold field day on the weekend.
LN1(SW) Jeffrey Linhart (ret.)
No city given
• You hear “bong, bong, e-mail arriving” when you get e-mail at work.
ISC(AW) Don Harrington
Maple Valley, Wash.
• Your Windows start-up music is “Anchors Aweigh” and the shut-down music is the “Navy Hymn.”
Master Chief Ray Cerda
Hickory, N.C.
• You ask your kids to pass the “bug juice.”
• You ask your wife when “liberty” expires.
• When you tell your kids “you’re restricted” instead of grounded.
Lt. Dale Yager (LDO)
San Diego
• You get your hair cut before going on leave because you can't stand the nonregulation haircuts they give back home.
• You say “aye-aye” when your wife gives you a honey-do list.
• Your limited civilian attire wardrobe is all navy blue or khaki.
• You issue liberty cards to your teenage children.